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Monday, 30 January 2012

pretending as friends!!!


I talk to you about the “friends” we used to be… that doesn’t mean that I’m trying to talk u into the “lovers” we. It’s just that I want my friend back. 
The one who missed me when he didn't get a chance to talk to me for a few days. I don’t want the one who thinks that if he would give me call then it would mean something like a gesture of love. 
It’s just a call, nothing like a love letter.  

You used to miss me a lot when we were best friends. But you never miss me when we are friends now. It’s not that you don’t miss me at all, at the bottom of your heart (as you say it) you do miss me, but you don’t want to miss me because you think its worthless. You could tell me once that you miss me, if only you could say that once, I would have been less mad about it because it’s always good to have someone by your side even if deep down you know that you are committing a sin. 

I always thought it was only me who thinks about all that but when I sometimes figure out that you, though you are not with me anymore in that “together” sense, we are still travelling in the same directions if not the same boat. 

What if we split up our rafts in the middle of the sea, doesn’t mean that we have to fight over it again and again to make the other person realise how much we hate each other. 

I shout at you, you don’t even do it. I just don’t want you to be silent. Say something. Say anything, anything you like.  Shout at me, whisper it in my ears, yell at me when I say I want to push you from the highest sky scraper of the world. 

I might push you down that thing and leave you totally dependent on gravity, but I might not be able to stand my grounds after that as well because you are the only gravity that holds me to that.  

You don’t have to lie about it, so that I could feel comfortable. It’s always just that you don’t feel like telling yourself about the truth that prevails inside you only at certain silent nights when everybody else is asleep and you are still awake because you want to talk to someone close to you. 

You have so many people close to you, I am not one of them, I can never be one of them. I would never know now how you feel, which things make you happy and which of the other things piss you off. But I still know this much that I am in neither of the lists. I am just nobody in your life because whatever I say and do, just doesn’t matter to you anymore. And that’s fair enough. It shouldn’t matter too, 
but just wonder how would you feel when one day, you really wanted to talk to me but you never initiated thinking that I could be falling into the same loop all over again.

 So there is a care, I don’t know what kind of care that is. There’s no hope for you and me, but even if I am still trying to talk you into something, but you are so much determined that you are never going to fall for me again. I feel like a failure. I feel as if it was not worth it. I feel as if I was mistaken that it was love. Tell me, it was love only right….?? Or it was just two silly teenagers feeling like experimenting with a new found feeling that is actually infatuation.
  Was it the real love, or just a mere attraction?
 Why are you proving people who thought we were never meant to be together right? 
  Why can’t we just prove ourselves right?
 Why can’t we just stand by and wait for each other our whole lives? 
Why this life does have to move on? 
Why can’t we feel the same way about our lives? 

And many more “whys” and question marks increasing in my head, just the way they did the night we went into a “no entry zone” of our lives. I was happy being just friends than being formal friends. Sometimes on the other hand I think that talking to you whatever I feel like is the best thing about our friendship right now, but the other thing that suffocates me, even when my airway has 100% of inhalational oxygen, is that I can’t talk to you about the real things that I feel about. 
Most of the times I do, but I can’t say that I miss you, 
I can’t say that I wish you were here… 
I can’t say that things would have been different if you could have been there to support just as a friend. Because I don’t miss the “lover” part of you. all I ever miss is the “best friends” part of you.
It’s pathetic, I know, it’s too much to analyse, I am contradicting myself, but I also am confused as to how bad your reaction gets when I say all this to you. 

I miss you… 
I miss your calls… 
I miss the time you used to ask me how I was…. 
And I am sad because….. you are there but I can’t just get enough of you, 
I can’t declare its false…..  
I like it when you show me my flaws….. 
we are so close that I can’t give it a pause, 
I can’t just carry on and leave it all behind… 
we had a bond and I still want to let it bind…
Your love was more than enough … 
but what I want now is for you to stop playing bluff… 
get with the facts and get them straight… 
you say certain things about the reality that I hate… 
when the truth is not so clear and fair… 
it’s better to be in a land of fairies with golden hair…. 
I’d rather not wake up to the reality and learn it was a dream, 
  I better be waking up with a nightmare and scream… 
because I know that the nightmares were never the reality of my life…. 
It was the reality that was better than the dream for which I still strife….  
The great things that have happened is now just the past,
 i just wanted that It could forever last… 
but past is past and future can be meant, 
only if you stick by my side and be friends in present…. 
I don’t want you to live without me because I know you can’t, 
and even If we can be together  its not something that I would want… 
on the cost of the love that from eternity has been raining… 
so what if it has become  a ruler that has been reigning … 
I would want us to believe in whatever we have now…. 
Rather than trying to find answers to “why” and “how”…
It’s pretty obvious that the rolling stones will clash…. 
But we have to be smooth with them so that they don’t produce a flash… 
the flash that was earlier a real spark… 
but I don’t want it to happen again as it will deepen the mark…. 
Because its patience and kindness that rules the world… 
but it is also the expression that need not be cold…. 
As you always read my eyes and speak…. 
I still visit your heart for a sneak peek…. 
And to know that you are just pretending as hell… 
I bring up my wand and say the magic spell…. 
You hate it but its what actually helps…. 
It’s not just me, it’s me with the bugged elf….
You get what you need that’s how it goes…..
 and if the wand doesn’t sparkle then too the boat of friendship rows…. 
Because love has paper boats which I sometimes think…. 
Have to row over to a distance but then definitely sink…..
So if we still swish and swirl with our magic wand……. 
We can still be awesome and tie our friendship's bond………