pretending as friends!!!

I talk to you about the “friends” we used to be… that doesn’t mean that I’m trying to talk u into the “lovers” we. It’s just that I want my friend back. 

The one who missed me when he didn't get a chance to talk to me for a few days. I don’t want the one who thinks that if he would give me call then it would mean something like a gesture of love. 

It’s just a call, nothing like a love letter.  

You used to miss me a lot when we were best friends. But you never miss me when we are friends now. It’s not that you don’t miss me at all, at the bottom of your heart (as you say it) you do miss me, but you don’t want to miss me because you think its worthless. You could tell me once that you miss me, if only you could say that once, I would have been less mad about it because it’s always good to have someone by your side even if deep down you know that you are committing a sin. 

I always thought it was only me who thinks about all that but when I sometimes figure out that you, though you are not with me anymore in that “together” sense, we are still travelling in the same directions if not the same boat. 

What if we split up our rafts in the middle of the sea, doesn’t mean that we have to fight over it again and again to make the other person realise how much we hate each other. 

I shout at you, you don’t even do it. I just don’t want you to be silent. Say something. Say anything, anything you like.  Shout at me, whisper it in my ears, yell at me when I say I want to push you from the highest sky scraper of the world. 

I might push you down that thing and leave you totally dependent on gravity, but I might not be able to stand my grounds after that as well because you are the only gravity that holds me to that.  

You don’t have to lie about it, so that I could feel comfortable. It’s always just that you don’t feel like telling yourself about the truth that prevails inside you only at certain silent nights when everybody else is asleep and you are still awake because you want to talk to someone close to you. 

You have so many people close to you, I am not one of them, I can never be one of them. I would never know now how you feel, which things make you happy and which of the other things piss you off. But I still know this much that I am in neither of the lists. I am just nobody in your life because whatever I say and do, just doesn’t matter to you anymore. And that’s fair enough. It shouldn’t matter too, 

but just wonder how would you feel when one day, you really wanted to talk to me but you never initiated thinking that I could be falling into the same loop all over again.

 So there is a care, I don’t know what kind of care that is. There’s no hope for you and me, but even if I am still trying to talk you into something, but you are so much determined that you are never going to fall for me again. I feel like a failure. I feel as if it was not worth it. I feel as if I was mistaken that it was love. Tell me, it was love only right….?? Or it was just two silly teenagers feeling like experimenting with a new found feeling that is actually infatuation.

  Was it the real love, or just a mere attraction?

 Why are you proving people who thought we were never meant to be together right? 

  Why can’t we just prove ourselves right?

 Why can’t we just stand by and wait for each other our whole lives? 

Why this life does have to move on? 

Why can’t we feel the same way about our lives? 

And many more “whys” and question marks increasing in my head, just the way they did the night we went into a “no entry zone” of our lives. I was happy being just friends than being formal friends. Sometimes on the other hand I think that talking to you whatever I feel like is the best thing about our friendship right now, but the other thing that suffocates me, even when my airway has 100% of inhalational oxygen, is that I can’t talk to you about the real things that I feel about. 

Most of the times I do, but I can’t say that I miss you, 

I can’t say that I wish you were here… 

I can’t say that things would have been different if you could have been there to support just as a friend. Because I don’t miss the “lover” part of you. all I ever miss is the “best friends” part of you.

It’s pathetic, I know, it’s too much to analyse, I am contradicting myself, but I also am confused as to how bad your reaction gets when I say all this to you. 

I miss you… 

I miss your calls… 

I miss the time you used to ask me how I was…. 

And I am sad because….. you are there but I can’t just get enough of you, 

I can’t declare its false…..  

I like it when you show me my flaws….. 

we are so close that I can’t give it a pause, 

I can’t just carry on and leave it all behind… 

we had a bond and I still want to let it bind…

Your love was more than enough … 

but what I want now is for you to stop playing bluff… 

get with the facts and get them straight… 

you say certain things about the reality that I hate… 

when the truth is not so clear and fair… 

it’s better to be in a land of fairies with golden hair…. 

I’d rather not wake up to the reality and learn it was a dream, 

  I better be waking up with a nightmare and scream… 

because I know that the nightmares were never the reality of my life…. 

It was the reality that was better than the dream for which I still strife….  

The great things that have happened is now just the past,

 i just wanted that It could forever last… 

but past is past and future can be meant, 

only if you stick by my side and be friends in present…. 

I don’t want you to live without me because I know you can’t, 

and even If we can be together  its not something that I would want… 

on the cost of the love that from eternity has been raining… 

so what if it has become  a ruler that has been reigning … 

I would want us to believe in whatever we have now…. 

Rather than trying to find answers to “why” and “how”…

It’s pretty obvious that the rolling stones will clash…. 

But we have to be smooth with them so that they don’t produce a flash… 

the flash that was earlier a real spark… 

but I don’t want it to happen again as it will deepen the mark…. 

Because its patience and kindness that rules the world… 

but it is also the expression that need not be cold…. 

As you always read my eyes and speak…. 

I still visit your heart for a sneak peek…. 

And to know that you are just pretending as hell… 

I bring up my wand and say the magic spell…. 

You hate it but its what actually helps…. 

It’s not just me, it’s me with the bugged elf….

You get what you need that’s how it goes…..

 and if the wand doesn’t sparkle then too the boat of friendship rows…. 

Because love has paper boats which I sometimes think…. 

Have to row over to a distance but then definitely sink…..

So if we still swish and swirl with our magic wand……. 

We can still be awesome and tie our friendship's bond………

when will i stop loving you???

when do we actually stop loving someone...........????


you go on a roller coaster ride every time you see that one person you so wanted to spend your time with......
that person is that one who considered you the princess.... and you thought, with him it was the end of the world for you..... you are contented if he is near or around you..... all you need is to wrap your arms around him and fall asleep on his shoulder........





but certain things are never meant to happen..... certain people are never meant to be ours.....

certain times are just illusions and certain feelings a delusion....
its never right or wrong...... its always, what it is and what it could be........

so we set ourselves free from the circles of those mixed emotions of the roller coaster and try to live our life with a difference.... a difference that has always meant a lot...... because that difference was the whole and sole reason for your happiness before it was called as a difference......

we make mature decisions... considering some harsh realities and moving on with whatever is best..... widening our ways...... we go straight without an aim........ its not at that τιμή that we make some turning points in our life... its the time when we want to go wherever life has to take us to and then life turns you along with it.....

we go on and on... thinking about the past at times and also θηνκινγκ, if that turn wouldn't have been taken at that very moment then how it would have been......??? but we never get answers to such questions.......




certain people certain moments are all left behind in the race to forget that turning point of our lives..... 

we never wanna go back at times but at times we also wanna cherish that time again when skies were always blue and roses were always red... when the rain meant only for rain dancing and when sunshine felt like god smiling at you....... 
everything in life was just near to perfect.. 
everything was just what you needed to be at the cloud nine.... 

and then suddenly that turning point came and you lost everything that was perfect.....
suddenly you find yourself stepping over the rolling stones and the meaning of rain and sunshine are all turned to the gloomy ones.....

you try to be normal again but you know that you are at the square one...... you have to start all over again...... you have to start associating small little things in your life with something better  and happier than the past......


and its always like the same roller coaster ride..... sometimes you are up and sometimes... down into the hell...... 
sometimes you are happy and sometimes not so happy...... 
sometimes in the present and sometimes in the past......

and the one question you often as yourself is.......  "does he feel the same way??"


this one is often left unanswered but its discovery is all the way more painful....

its good to know that he is happy... having fun, enjoying his life...... 


but it hurts when you know... he is happier without you... 
having more fun without you..... 
enjoying more than he did with you... 
and that he has fallen for someone new.........

it crushes you down to the bottom of your heart.... and that's when you start building up blocks of dislike.......




out of everything that happens..... every single kiss and every single tear that you shed..... every little hope and every single moment of feeling disheartened and grieving for the loss.... every little feeling that you hate that one guy who has made you cry.... and every time forgetting that it was decision so tough for him as well.....

you still ask you self......... "when will i ever stop loving him.....????"


an the answer to this question is again left for the time to decide.......... and the vicious circle starts  again.......

its a new thing......... but i gotta think.... and boom!!!!!! its all gone!!!!!!

there is something new....... some new people, creating some kind of difference in my life..... its something really different.....

bugs: its not people you know that...... ;) its just that one...

nutty: all right bugs... its just this one....

bugs: i dont know the name......

nutty: oh come on bugs.... who are you kidding around.... you know the name..... (blush , blush)

 its just a very strange feeling... or  i should better say, its a bunch of strange feelings.... strange in a good way.

bugs: go ahead with it..... why do you hesitate....

i'm not hesitating, all i'm thinking about is.. whether its just nothing, or its real....

this is what usually happens... we waste too much time just thinking.......

thinking about our feelings..... thinking about whether its real or just a phase that will pass by us......

but mostly what happens is... we think too much and spend most of our valuable time thinking about whether its right or wrong, and then till the time we realise that it was really something new, something special, something worth cherishing all our life.... we have lost the moment........... and later on all we do is lament about the time that we have lost.... thinking about how good it was and how much we could deduce out of the moment..... how much fun we could have had and how nicely we could have enjoyed it.....

so its really important that we make the most of the moment... rather than thinking about whether what we are feeling is right or wrong..... the moment is not for thoughts..... its for an action that you will always remember all your life in your thoughts as memories....... if it was positive... then it will be known as an experience.... and if it was a negative one, then it'll be called as a lesson.......

memories make us happy when we cherish them..... and lessons make us stronger every time we think about what went wrong.... and then we promise ourselves never to repeat our past mistakes again.....

so new things...... are just new ventures....... never ever say no to new things....... they might form some parts of your lives.......  because if you say no, then all you remember is saying no to an experience

because then... all your life, you tend to think about "what would have happened if i had said yes that time"

bugs: so what does it have to do about the new thing...???

nutty:  i experienced this kind of something for someone recently...... 

someone that started caring for me... i, at first, thought it wasn't real...... 

then eventually that someone asked me, not to let the love die in just one night..... and i was really touched...

i started opening up, i realized i was actually being loved, but i just didn't know for sure, what it actually was...... 

and that moment i let myself free from the confusion and thought that if someone was so loving, i could be returning some amount of love too, it would be a great start.... may be a good friendship...... 

and the moment i started getting a bit of emotionally attached..... it all just vanished away.......

that someone had started bonding with someone else near to him.... and shared it with me... i think pretty soon they will hook up...... and i am really happy....... cuz its better to be happy......... 

not that i loved him or something and was seriously committed...... i loved him as a friend, still love him..... but he made me feel really special for a moment............ and one has to know that he/she is special in his/her own way..... thinking this way makes life simpler........and even more happier................ 

but, i lost someone who actually thought i was special to him, made me feel special....... but it was all my fault, i was so lost in my thoughts that i never returned whatever i was getting..... 

and i have to learn from my mistakes.............

so i choose not to sulk anymore.....And stay HAPPIIIEEEE!!!!!!!

bugs: nice thought girl............... 

realise the worth of everything before it vanishes away................ 

love-crushed buddies

i miss the way it’s always been,

You take me away to a world unseen…

It’s fun and fear of losing myself,

you take it away, on an unreachable shelf...

There is pain of the soul and heart that holds,

you are with me in life's warms and colds...

it can never be the way i want it to be,

i wonder how only thing that matters to you is me...

you gave me that fishy smile with a wink,

i opened up the little box and  you took me away in a blink....

you had pieces of memories, with pleasant scents...

i was lost in the moment, didn’t get what it represents...

you took me by surprise, when down the street...

you held my hand.. and guided my feet..

you wouldn't leave me alone, no matter how far we've come,

from a burnt out past that still has a grave and a dome...

you say we are friends and will always stay,

you tell me i have to stick to you, come what may....

there are certain issues, there are certain grudges,

but we still manage to fight over strawberries and chocolate fudges...

none of us knows how was it like,

whether you really hate the strawberry or it has been chocolate that i have always liked...

nobody would guess that it could still be the same,

we still hate other's choices.. and still play that funny game,

where we are two poles apart, but know what we want

i sometimes try to remember the old buddies time, but somehow i cant...

because when you talk to me, you have got that tone of gloom...

makes me feel the tulips of our friendship can never bloom

if just for once you could forget the past,

you would be surprised how we can be friends again, amazingly fast...

because neither love nor lust, its friendship that counts,

it’s just about the quality of time we spent together, and never the amount...

it’s been months and months but something between us is still tightly clasped,

that’s nothing but the friendship that never left the grasp...

it’s still holding on, it doesn’t follow your command,

so let it all carry on and release your soul from your logic's remand...

as logic kills the soul when it comes to feelings,

it’s about emotions sweetheart and not business dealings...

you don’t have to become something you are not,

all u have to do is show the world what you have got....

it’s not just about me and for what i care,

it’s also about you and the your insensitive front has no one to spare...

maybe I’m wrong... i might be making a terrible mistake,

but just be "yourself" with me and not someone that’s fake....

and now just friends is something i just don’t deserve....

because i know I’m the very best, who exactly knows what good 

you can serve....

as sometimes you're mean and have a devil's art,

but i know who you are deep down your hard core heart….

You  can lie at times if your heart gets soothed,

But we are best friends and even you know, that’s the real truth……..

me and the "elf" doing all weird things all around!!!!!!

one whole day........ its a long long time.....
there is so much to do... so many pranks to play,  a lot of fun with friends, teasing people around......... too many things to do.... and just one day!!!!!!


oh my god... i really get this bad sometimes, i contradict my own statements..... 


n that is why most of my close friends call me a muddle head........ 


that hurts sometimes...... but most of the times... i take advantage of it...... whenever i start talking about something... n then i'm this close to reveal a secret to someone........ i change the subject for a while and then act confused.... as if i had completely forgotten what i was about to say........
its fun at times....


.but sometimes... i really forget about it and land up in a troubled state............  and then the elf inside of me...... with its freaking fishy smiles...... gets on my head........


i do weird things.... most of us do really really weird things..... but then there's a lot of fun in being weird.......


the best part is.... people know that you are weird.... so they don't go on staring at you or giving you tough looks when you are expressing out your weirdness.... n spreading it all around you.....










the elf.... oh....!!!!!!!! 
i forgot about the elf.......!!!!!!!! 


its my better half...... it resides in my insight......... it does all the nutty things...... i am just the source..... the inspiration is the little elf...... i love him, he loves me... we just cant get apart........ n we both keep on arguing about whether its time for a little prank or not.

elf says..... its worthless asking me because i always say no........ n to every vaguely funny idea that sometimes comes my mind... elf says a big bright YEA!! n then i go all nuts because elf has to do what its made up his mind upon......


in my little silly, little hysterical and little maniac life......... its always me and the elf...... we laugh together... i cry (sometimes) and he makes me LOL..... we play pranks on people together...... and he always out runs my capability to make people laugh........
with him.... i dont bother if no ones with me..... because i'm never alone..... i always have him...... and you know what the best part is............. me and the elf... keep each other's secrets and no one would ever know about whats going on and whats the next prank we are to play..........because.... no one ever hears us talking to each other..............


ouch............... he just pinched me...............  "damn it u elf in my head... whats the matter with you........??"
oh.... i'm so sorry....... i forgot to tell u my best buddy's name.......... its BUGS!!!!            


oh not like bugs the bunny....... its jus bugs..... because bugs just keeps on bugging in my head...........


but instead of all that bugging and teasing and kidding..... i just love bugs...... n no one would ever replace him..........


n hey......... about bugs......... its all a secret........ and i want it to be one.............


and i'm really good at keeping secrets... so do you have  some one like bugs........????

i, me and myself....

I, Me and Myself... though these words are often used to express our identity, when they start getting used too many times, they become a part of our personality and add to being Self-centered.

they start getting related to our credentials. 

people really like talking about themselves. they want to tell us, how they achieved fame in their lives. they would tell us about their loved ones, their family, their job, their school, their friends and eventually it becomes nothing more than a " I, Me and Myself" story. 

so if i start with an "I, Me and Myself" story about me now, its going to be quite boring, so just for  a short introduction... i am a simple girl, with  a thought process that allows me to go beyond the horizons. 

i believe that the power of  our thoughts can take us to whichever world we want. its always how we think and feel about ourselves and more importantly, about the world around us.

and no matter what we think and what we do, its all about the happiness that flows inside. so i do only what i feel would make me happy and even if i feel it might prove to be wrong in future, i do it promising myself that i wouldn't regret it later because it is my decision right now.

i am just a student. not anything more than that. and i will remain a student throughout my life, as life is a continuous learning process and to grab more and more we need to be humble.

i write for myself.... i feel writing whatever i feel is a great way to express what we feel to ourselves because while we are writing in a flow, we write whatever thought that comes in our mind and then forget about it until we read about it the next time and wonder, what was the feeling behind the thoughts.

and now without making my first blog entry really boring, I'd close up making a promise to come back with a nice thought the next time......